I’ve been silent for a while now. A month to be exact.
This time my excuse isn’t that I’m drawing a blank. In fact, the drawing is a bit out of control. And I won’t use the busy variety of excuse. That’s a given now; everyone is busy all the time.
And it isn’t even my inability to write. I’ve been writing. But as I read through each piece for the 100th time, I realise they’re all silent. Each one of them. No voice. No sound. Just a bunch of words thrown together.
Perhaps it’s because I’ve gone mute.
See, I’ve always been liked and hated for my chirpiness. It’s just what I do. Be chirpy, crack a few jokes, pass some faux wisdom and drop the mike. Some of my oldest (and nicest) friends have been in touch, wondering when the next blog post is due? When can they expect their dose of happy?
I’m sorry. I’ve got none to give right now.
Life’s not easy, yawl. It’s like a long walk we’re all taking. Some of us are in a hurry, rest of us stop for a chilled beer every now and again. Some of us stop to smell the roses, rest of us avoid all clichéd proverbs. Some of us do all of it in one day. I’ve come to realise that the lonely parts are when those who were walking with you suddenly move ahead and you’re left behind smelling the goddamn roses.
And soon you lose your voice from having fallen into disuse.
If you’re lucky, a new bunch of people show up and you find your voice again. Or a better voice, as I have in the past. But you still secretly wish that the people who’ve raced ahead turn around and wave, as if to say they’re waiting for you. As if they still care.
Until one of that happens, I guess I need to embrace the quiet. And stop fighting it through a lethal combination of logic and counting-my-blessing-isms.
Today, I salute the quiet ones, the pessimist and the introverts. The clingy ones, the attention-seekers and the sooks.
I salute your courage to own your state of mind without crumbling under pressure from the positrons. Stay strong, my friends.
For a fiercely independent woman, I can turn into an affection-seeking hot mess in under 10 seconds. But I’m not shushing up and putting on a brave face. I’m going to accept my lows and embrace this voice until I start enjoying this walk by myself, if that’s what it takes. I’ll talk to the strangers and ones zooming past me; I may even holler out to those who’ve raced ahead.
Say hello to the dark side of Pigs, Figs & Higgs.