How Advertising Trained Me For Parenthood*

madmum

Impossible is nothing.

That one line got me into advertising. I didn’t own a single Adidas product until last month (Dem Superstars got me), but that tagline blew my mind (as did the whole speech by Ali).

And advertising is everything it promised to be! The ideas and the mental blocks, the little wins and the epic crashes, the stress and the drinking, the stress drinking, the exhaustion and the exaltation, the imagination, the lies and the promises, the celebrations.

No segue needed.

How Advertising Trained Me For Parenthood* 

Mr. O, the Art Director.

“I can’t wait to start working with you on the awesome puzzle that we’ve both been dying to start all week.”

Open the box. Too much excitement.

“Wow, that’s a great idea! How about this? No, let’s try my way. That doesn’t make sense.

Hate the colours, hate the design, hate the puzzle. Your opinion is shit. It’s all shit anyway.”

Done.

“Wow, I’m a fucking genius.”

Mr. O, the Creative Director.

“Yay! You have a story for me. I cannot wait for you to blow my mind.

Aha aha. Hmm. Ok I see what you’re trying to say. I love it. But maybe a dragon comes and drives an ambulance over the seahorse. I want fire-breathing dragons. And dying seahorses. Unexpected, but believable.”

Mr. O, the Account Manager.

“I love you so much. You’re my favourite person in the whole world. I would trust you with my eyes closed, but my hands are tied. I simply cannot eat this meal you’ve painstakingly prepared for me. I want to. Oh how I believe in it, but I just can’t. My hands. Damn these shackles. Love you, though. The best.”

Mr. O, the Producer.

To mum: “Dude. I’d pick you over him (dad) any day. You’re so much more fun. He just doesn’t get it like you do, ya’ know. Let’s be besties. OMG LET’S DO LOLLIES!”

To dad: “Dude. I’d pick you over her (mum) any day. You’re so much more fun. She just doesn’t get it like you do, ya’ know. Let’s be besties. OMG LET’S DO LOLLIES!”

Mr. O, the HR guy.

Casually strolling down the hallway after bedtime.

My brain: HOLYFUCKINGSHIT WTF IS THIS GUY DOING HERE OUT OF THE BLUE? I should just go clear my desk.

Mr. O, the Supplier.

“Ohhh you wanted to me shower today?? Oohhh see I thought you said next Tuesday. Oh no. I can’t do it today. Trucksninjasbikes. Maybe be more clear next time? I’ll still have that bribe cookie though, thanks.”

Mr. O, the Copywriter.

“Yes, that’s e before i, 2 comes after 1, and B is for butterfly.”

To himself: “Geez. They wouldn’t survive a day without me.”

Impossible is a toddler.

*Nothing trains you for parenthood. Not even parenthood trains you for parenthood. Also, Title Case Because Advertising. 

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Big name for a not-so-little girl: Pigs – Part I

It took me one day to realise I wanted to write a blog and 2 weeks to wrestle down a name. When they started sounding like rejected 90s sitcoms, I dropped the whole blog idea. But when Pigs, Figs and Higgs did finally come to me, I kept them all.

Pigs are painfully cute and supposedly very intelligent, but that’s not the reason they’re the first at my party. Nor is it that nothing gets me out of bed faster on a Sunday morning than the aroma of crispy bacon wafting through the house. I wrote three lines extolling the virtues of pork, but deleted it before this became a food post.

Crackling. Belly. Loin. Sorry, I had to get that out of my system.

Aaaanyway! Back in high school, I used to doodle comic characters during class and the one time I got into trouble for it, I was in the middle of discovering the Piggie Sty. Sixteen years after I first doodled them in geography class, I’m proud to introduce you to the Piggies.

MARLA PIGGIE Very vintage, very complicated. Funny to a fault - her own fault most of the time.

MARLA PIGGIE
Very vintage, very complicated. Funny to a fault – her own fault most of the time.

JACKSON PIGGIE Little shit.

JACKSON PIGGIE
Little shit.

JAMES 'THE GIRL' PIGGIE Vegan, music-festival-hopping spectacle-less hipster. Never gets her eye makeup to match.

JAMES ‘THE GIRL’ PIGGIE
Vegan, music-festival-hopping spectacle-less hipster. Never gets her eye makeup to match.

JAMES 'THE GUY' PIGGIE Tattooed, taxed and thinks he's the funniest. Wears to beard ironically.

JAMES ‘THE GUY’ PIGGIE
Tattooed, taxed and thinks he’s the funniest. Wears a beard ironically.

LaLUNA PIGGIE Zero facebook friends; 78 real-life friends. Bookworm and reluctantly beautiful.

LaLUNA PIGGIE
Zero facebook friends; 78 real-life friends. Bookworm and reluctantly beautiful.

MILES 'SMILES' PIGGIE Super pleasant, go-to guy. Irrational fear of light bulbs.

MILES ‘SMILES’ PIGGIE
Super pleasant, go-to guy. Irrational fear of light bulbs.

NOVEMBER PIGGIE Formerly known as 'Dark November', ex-ish-goth grandmother to 6 unnecessarily chirpy girls.

NOVEMBER PIGGIE
Formerly known as ‘Dark November’, ex-ish-goth grandmother to 6 unnecessarily chirpy girls.

Pigs made it into the name because it reminds me that Geography classes were the worst, that I used to love to sketch, that I had big dreams for the Piggies and for myself – and that while Geography sucks, there’s still hope for the Piggies and me.